Scenes from one of Brooklyn’s weirdest fake sporting events: Competitive Winter Picnicking

Some 16 teams faced off in Fort Greene Park for such prestigious awards as the "Most Likely To Make Your Mother Cry" trophy

By Scott Lynch

Brooklyn has no shortage of weird fake sporting events. Exhibit A: Bike Kill. Exhibit B: Idiotarod. You could also make a case for the annual Polar Bear Plunge if you were so inclined.

Here’s yet another. More than 100 ridiculously-attired contestants gathered in Fort Greene Park Saturday for the fifth annual Competitive Winter Picnicking games, the biggest turnout this completely fake sporting event has ever seen.

Organized once again by Shadow Traffic — a collective dedicated to “creating opportunities for people to make weird shit together,” as co-founder Jacklyn Atkinson told us last year — the structure of Competitive Winter Picnicking is simple: you show up with a team (some had two people, others more than 20), stake out an area, pass out themed food and alcoholic beverages to all comers, and host some sort of participatory activity, which is usually pretty clever and often exceedingly stupid.

The five Shadow Traffic judges wander around to each table throughout the afternoon, gleefully accepting bribes as they go, and then at the end of the day hand out cash prizes, handmade trophies, and a bunch of silly certificates to the most notable entrants.

The Best in Show trophy, won the Martyr Mountain Ski Team (Scott Lynch)

Among the winners this year was the battle-hardened “Operation Eagle Freedom Defense Initiative,” who blasted Top Gun songs and recruited volunteers to shoot down Chinese spy balloons with darts. Inside each balloon was a serving of lo mein, which rained down onto a paper plate and became your lunch. Yes, it was gross. For their efforts, the team earned the Best War Game trophy.

Shooting down Chinese spy balloons with the Operation Eagle Freedom Defense Initiative (Scott Lynch)

Team Creamatorium turned people into ash-black ice cream, and won the coveted “Most Likely to Make Your Mother Cry” trophy.

Team Crematorium turns another victim into ice cream (Scott Lynch)

The sullen (and sinister?) Goth Broth crew, decked out in early 2000s Hot Topic garb, served soup from a cauldron and tried to indoctrinate you into their Satanic coven. They threw a decent dance party towards the end of the day.

Goth Broth (Scott Lynch)

The Pink Freud: Dark Your Side of Your Mom team, all of whom were dressed as the Austrian father of psychoanalysis, complete with beards, cigars, and vials of cocaine, had at least three tents, one of which was reserved for lobotomies. All of the food here was shaped like penises … or at maybe that’s how we saw it. They won the Jung and Punny trophy.

Lobotomy time at the Pink Freud tent (Scott Lynch)

The best picnic spread may have been at the Pirates of Penzants tent, hosted by a swarm of swashbuckling insects who also unleashed a rousing musical performance whenever a judge came by. For their hospitality and showmanship, the team got an EGOT Award *and* the Best Bribes Trophy.

The Pirates of Penzants spread (Scott Lynch)

The most elaborately staged entrant came from the Martyr Mountain Ski Team, who set up a fire pit, a fake snow machine, a double-long table with champagne cocktails and bubbling tubs of both cheese and chocolate fondue, boozy group shots delivered via an ingeniously repurposed ski, and a gondola/shopping cart to whisk you away to a whole ass ski slope. No surprise, these stylishly attired ski bunnies took home Best in Show honors.